Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.