Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Breaking news:
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.