Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*