*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Succinctly put.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!