me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough