You Might Also Like
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.