Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
sensitive skin
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
starting a garage orchestra
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch