Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
You Might Also Like
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
💯😂
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time