Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
You Might Also Like
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf