Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel