@wickedsuga: Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.
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@big_mick_carter: Chinese takeaway - £17 Delivery charge - £1 Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers - Riceless
@hell_homer: Gandalf chuckled to himself as the boat left shore. "I just noticed," he whispered, "your name sounds like Dildo" #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
@smithsara79: Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful Him: Those are my mom's ashes! Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense