@krisv_723: Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it's truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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@AntozWolf: I ask myself, "How did I get here?," I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.
@daemonic3: [grocery store robbery] ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees* ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
@BobTheSuit: The self-checkout screen says "Finish and pay." I feel like I'm with an irritable hooker.
@NervousJr: Don't feel like going to the gym? Go to all your ex's facebook pages and see who they're dating now. Then go to the gym.