Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
You Might Also Like
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman