Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]