everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
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It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
British websites use biscuits.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”