everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
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American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.