Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*