Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Buying a well is money well spent.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.