Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.