Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”