Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
it was love at first sight
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Isn’t
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!