@LoveNLunchmeat: Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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@WineMummy: Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs. Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
@JohnLyonTweets: So the waiter said "The plate is hot" and I said "I'll be the judge of that, haha." Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
@Pauly_Miller: If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.