After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Raisins are grape jerky.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in