@NotChuckBarkley: Everyone saying "Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again". POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I'm skinny.
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@_davidlucas_: *Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter* Her: Did you want to buy that? Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
@TheGladStork: Daughter: How was your day, Daddy? Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
@J0hnnyBlaze: Me: "Excuse me, hi" Her: "Um, I have a boyfriend" Me: "Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse"