Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]