Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others