@miilkkk: Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm the jerk...
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@LukeMones: Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway...polite or the ultimate shade?
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: I'm such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
@SteveSuckington: "Why did u jump off that bridge?" My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?" Yes. I literally just said that
@BeardSpice: How to kill two birds with one stone: Step 1: throw a stone at a bird Step 2: go pick up that stone Step 3: throw it at another bird