@miilkkk: Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm the jerk...
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@Arbitral: Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
@hazelmotes1: My daughter doesn't know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won't know I took it out and am eating it now.
@ashmensch: "I'm gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I'm gonna make you real sad." - gas station nachos