[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
wut hotdog?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
(True)
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human