@slackmistress: Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
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@welfarehoe: CW: What'd you have for breakfast? Me: A bowl of Oreos. CW: Lol you mean Cherrios? Me: No.
@BlindChow: I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. "You'll die too," I say. "9 lives," my cat whispers, lighting a match.
@BeardSpice: [God creating spiders] What if I made a tiny land octopus that could walk on walls?