Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
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Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
it must be school picture day
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Oh no
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*frowns in Scottish*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
You sure about that?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Woke up against my better judgment again
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut