“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
She was REALLY feeling it.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will