@somewhatalady: "Everyone says they're voting for Clinton or Trump, but I'm voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus."
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@shatterpants: When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
@daemonic3: [dj voice] "Make some noise, Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "Whatcha wanna hear, I'm taking requests" [in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I'M DAD
@matt___nelson: JESUS: so I'm u GOD: yes JESUS: and ur me GOD: yes JESUS: I don't get it GOD: I do JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other GOD: whoa
@baeblacksheep: ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car's shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I'm sexy.