@somewhatalady: "Everyone says they're voting for Clinton or Trump, but I'm voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus."
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@sixthformpoet: It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
@murrman5: [during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all