everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
man: wait
time: no
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I’ve had worse
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.