Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
You Might Also Like
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Single and childfree like Jesus
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.