Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It鈥檚 spaghetti night.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I鈥檓 stuck in a call with my mom
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
it鈥檚 not tv, it鈥檚 hbo. but here鈥檚 the thing, it鈥檚 also not hbo
That’s incredible! 馃憣
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn鈥檛 the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn鈥檛 have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.