@caliraingirl: Everyone should have that "tester" first twitter account to screw up and learn from... You know, kinda like that first child you have.
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@GrantTanaka: Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
@PaperWash: [while titanic is sinking] me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can't believe no one is eating these lol
@JohnLyonTweets: Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
@pleatedjeans: Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don't want to ruin it my mom will be pissed