Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
They’re really bad with fonts.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful