@elle91: Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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@Playing_Dad: [At vet] Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells. Vet: What have you been feeding him? Me: Egg shells.
@SirEviscerate: You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
@ArfMeasures: ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can't even remember, how...how far did we go? HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
@3sunzzz: You can't leave the aquarium with a penguin. It's a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop. Ma'am, it's moving. I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!