@elle91: Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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@JukeJointJesse: Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.
@CornerPubRon: After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
@SirEviscerate: WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night. ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That's weird.
@murrman5: "911" you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat "how far apart are the contractions?" about 2 miles but I'm driving pretty fast