@elle91: Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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@ArfMeasures: BOUNCER: No, you're not getting in, just go home ME: *slips him some money* BOUNCER: What's this? ME *whispering so my friends don't hear* thank you
@truegritrumble: ME: *falls off the wagon* THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
@daemonic3: [Home Depot] "Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? "Nah, just verbally"
@CornOnTheGoblin: [sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?