Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
it be like that
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm