Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby