Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
RT if you know someone like this!!!
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Mornin
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*