EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.