@Jake_Vig: Everyone sings "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" to their selfies, right guys? Guys?...
@matt___nelson: Here's a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
@knot_eye: This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it's $19.99.
@birbigs: Why does my computer always ask me if I'm "sure" about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
@flashember: WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES
@jergarl: Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating.
WebMD: Phone Cancer