Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
oh shit
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.