Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity