If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My inexpensive home security system…
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*