@ATXBOSS: Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can
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@angibangie: Him: What long nails you have! Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me. *dating is easy
@scott_towel: When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe.
@AndyAsAdjective: an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet