My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
We’ve all been there
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”