Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Mad Max Arctic Road
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR