everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
first you must answer his riddles
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice