Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My friend says her Dr told her she鈥檚 underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I鈥檓 not wearing a costume 馃檨
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I鈥檝e reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry鈥檚
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they鈥檙e on a double date with ghosts
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it鈥檚 my time.