USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
You Might Also Like
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.