When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
@ candidates for local office
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?