im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Just parrot things
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal