I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*