if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Dolls on drugs
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Autocarrot sucks!