@Donna_McCoy: Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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@Crunk_Jews: People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.
@panmidwest: ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers] WIFE: you could just- ME: I'm not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
@daemonic3: Alex: A ship that has sunk What is my relationship? Alex: No sorry tha- [glares at wife] I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
@murrman5: [robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle [me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]