Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely