Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I finally found a reason to live again.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.