Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm