Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what