INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“A little help here, Danny?”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Yup.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”